I can't breathe out the right side of my face
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
