please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
