you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
