My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
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