Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
