a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
