T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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