you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
