maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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