3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
