I'm sorry my penis didn't work
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
