Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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