I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
