Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I have demons in me.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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