I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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