you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
