hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
