i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
