u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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