All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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