I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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