we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
