3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
