my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
