I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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