At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
