only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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