guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
