There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
