Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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