your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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