I will die if light touches me.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
