last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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