He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
