hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
