break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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