the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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