I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Boobs speak an international language.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
