Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
