I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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