My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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