It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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