I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
