I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
