Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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