I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
