just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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