I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
