My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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