you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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