You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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