This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
