Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
