The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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