I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
