she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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